Stress - Why Does it Sneak up on You?

When you're caring for someone with a dementia, stress can feel like a constant companion, yet it often creeps up on us slowly, almost silently. One day you might feel like you're managing, and the next you're overwhelmed, exhausted, and wondering how you got there.

So why does stress sneak up on us? And more importantly, what can we do about it?

Firstly, What is Stress?
Stress isn’t just about feeling tense — though that’s part of it. We can describe it as the gap between the life we imagine and the one we’re living. It’s when we’re stuck in the “I don’t know what to do” zone, caught between fight and flight, and unable to move in either direction.

For carers, that gap can feel enormous. You might long for your old routine, the chance to be spontaneous, or even just to get a full night’s sleep, but your reality looks very different a lot of the time.

Where Does Stress Come From?
Stress can arise from:

The world around us:

• Noise, clutter, time pressures
• Constant vigilance and concern for safety
• Feeling watched, judged, or isolated
  
  

Within our bodies:

• Fatigue, poor sleep, aches and pains
• Lack of exercise or nourishing food
• Carrying invisible emotional weight
  
  

Sometimes, stress is sparked by very real, immediate demands but often it's ‘imaginary’ fear that holds us in a constant state of alert. We might begin to worry, asking ourselves “What if I’m not doing enough?” “What if I can’t cope?” “What if my husband/wife/mother/father wakes up and goes for a walk at night and gets lost?”

Unlike real danger, imaginary fear doesn't end. We carry it with us, and it becomes the stress we live and breathe. It can be totally unfounded, can make us want to run and hide, isolate ourselves, it can make us defensive, and unless we address it and talk about it, it will likely continue to grow within us and can spread to others.

How Stress Affects You
You might think stress just makes you feel tired or irritable — but it runs much deeper. Some symptoms can include:

• Ongoing fatigue or low energy
• Body aches, headaches, or illnesses that don’t shift
• Changes in sleep, appetite, mood, or skin
• Feeling guilty, indecisive, or detached
• Withdrawing from people you love
  
• High blood pressure
  
• Rapid heartbeat or chest pain
  
• Nausea and digestive issues
  
  

These are not signs of weakness — they’re signals from your body and mind asking for help.

So, What Can You Do?
Dr.Gemma Jones says, “To master stress, you must change your thoughts, behaviour and lifestyle choices.” That doesn’t mean overhauling your life overnight, but it does mean trying to tune into what helps and what doesn’t.

Unhealthy ‘coping’ might look like:

• Bottling everything up
• Overworking, over-giving, or ignoring your own needs
• Isolating yourself
  
  

Healthier strategies could include:

• Taking 10 minutes just for you (yes, you’re allowed!)
• Reaching out to someone in the same boat - talking about your stress can help more than you might realise
• Moving your body, even just a short walk
• Eating and sleeping as well as you can
• Being kind to yourself — you are doing your best!
  
  

You’re Not Alone
Stress thrives in silence and isolation. It loses power when we talk about it, share it, and take small steps to reclaim space for ourselves. If you’re caring for someone with a dementia, you are carrying so much around with you. Let this be your reminder: your wellbeing counts too. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup.